Swinging Nineties (aus Wiki)

Schlaue Blondine (aus Wiki)

Gehört zu: Humor
Siehe auch: Innere Führung Kettenreaktion, Wolfgang Neuss

The solar eclipse

The Colonel to the aide: A solar eclipse, something that does not occur all days, is tomorrow early. The men are to be located in the drillich on the barracks yard and to regard the rare play. I will explain it to them. If it rains, we will not see anything, then they are to go into the sport hall.

Aide to the captain: Instruction of the Colonel. Around nine a solar eclipse is tomorrow early. If it rains, one cannot see it from the barracks yard, then she takes place in the drillich in the sport hall. Something that does not occur all days. The Colonel wird’s explain, because the play is rare.

Captain to the second lieutenant: Play of the Colonel tomorrow early nine o’clock in the drillich inauguration of the solar eclipse in the sport hall. The Colonel wird’s it explains why it rains. Very rarely sowas!

Second lieutenant to the sergeant: Rare play instruction: Tomorrow around nine the Colonel in the drillich the sun verfinstern, like it all days occurred in the sport hall, if a beautiful day is. Wenn’s rains, barracks yard!

Sergeant to the NCO: Tomorrow around nine darkening Colonels in the drillich because of the sun. If it rains in the sport hall, which does not occur all days, begin auf’m barracks yard! If actors should be thereby, they are to make themselves rare.

Discussion among the soldiers: ” Haste already belonged, wenn’s rains tomorrow… ” “, ick wees, the Colonel wants unsern drillich verfinstern. Det dollste thing: If the sun does not have a yard, it wants to make one for it. Actors are to get Selter, typically! Then he wants to explain, why he cannot see the barracks for purely sporty reasons any longer. It harms that det does not occur all days. “

Gehört zu: Humor

The Swinging Nineties

(Gesammelt von: Susanne Buchwald)
Du hast genug von den 90er Jahren, wenn:

1. Du versuchst beim Mikrowellenherd Dein Passwort einzugeben.
2. Du spielst seit Jahren kein Solitaire mit echten Karten mehr.
3. Du fragst Deine Arbeitskollegen am Tisch nebenan via Email ob sie Lust auf Bier haben und sie antworten via Email “O.K., gib mir 5 Minuten”.
4. Du hast 15 verschiedene Telefonnummern um Deine 3-köpfige Familie zu erreichen.
5. Du chattest mehrmals pro Tag mit einem Typen in Südamerika, aber hast dieses Jahr noch nie mit Deinem Nachbarn gesprochen.
6. Du kaufst Dir einen neuen Computer und eine Woche später ist er veraltet.
7. Der Grund warum Du den Kontakt zu Deinen Freunden verlierst, ist weil sie keine E-Mail-Adresse besitzen.
8. Du kennst den Preis für eine Briefmarke nicht.
9. Für Dich bedeutet organisiert sein, verschiedenfarbige Post-It-Aufkleber zu besitzen.
10. Die meisten Witze, die Du kennst, hast Du in den Emails gelesen.
11. Du gibst den Firmennamen an, wenn Du am Abend zu Hause das Telefon abnimmst.
12. Du mußt Zuhause die 0 drücken, um beim Telefonieren rauszukommen.
13. Du sitzt seit 4 Jahren am gleichen Schreibtisch und hast dort für 3 verschiedene Firmen gearbeitet.
14. Das Firmenschild wird einmal pro Jahr dem Corporate Design angepasst.
15. Das schlimmste am Computerabsturz ist der Verlust Deiner Bookmarks.
16. Du gehst zur Arbeit wenn es dunkel ist, Du kommst von der Arbeit, wenn es dunkel ist. Und das auch im Sommer.
17. Du hast ein konfigurierbares Programm, das Dir die Anzahl Tage bis zur Pensionierung berechnet.
18. Deine Eltern beschreiben Dich mit “Sie arbeitet mit Computern”.
19. Du hast diese Liste gelesen und dauernd genickt.
20. Du überlegst Dir, wem kannst Du diese Liste forwarden kannst.

Gehört zu: Humor
Siehe auch: Wolfgang Neuss

The official routine (Solar Eclipse)

The Colonel says to the captain:
“morning at 0900 o’clock takes place a solar eclipse.
Such a natural occurence cannot one all days observe.
Let the crew in Tenue ID on the barracks yard meet.
During the observation of this rare event I will give personally the assertions.
If it should rain, we will not be able to see much. The recruits are to then go into the cafeteria. ”

The captain to the first lieutenant:
” in accordance with instruction Colonel takes place in the morning at 0900 o’clock a solar eclipse.
If it should rain, we will not be able to see good in the Tenue the ID on the Kaserenenhof.
In this case we will execute a disappearing of the sun in the cafeteria.
Thus something that one cannot observe all days. ”

The second lieutenant to the Korporal:
” if it in the cafeteria to rain tomorrow should, something that one cannot see all day, our Colonel around 0900 in the Tenue ID will thus disappear. ”

The Korporal to the recruits: ” it seems that at 0900 o’clock our Colonel disappears tomorrow. It harms that one cannot observe that all days!!! ”

From unknown quantities source in a well-known institution

Gehört zu: Humor

The Hunting of Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everythingthat is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at leastone unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one uniqueelephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as anexercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
1. Catch each animal seen.
2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catchwith the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
1.compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
2.enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

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